I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
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[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.