Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
shampoo implies shampee
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
calling in to work dehydrated
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
i’m still crying at this
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Word!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.