I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You Might Also Like
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong