Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You Might Also Like
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.