the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You Might Also Like
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
this country is so goddamn polarized
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it