How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Interior design 👌
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The most important meal of the day is the next one
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
this has to be peak English
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no