I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
dogs can find happiness so easily
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.