When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Seems a bit forward
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.