My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
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there has never been a better use of this meme
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…