If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
<- sleeps well with others
What do you hear?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan