Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
peak technology
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex