Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
screw you
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’d hang this in my house.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.