I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?