If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.