This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy