After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”