Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
When someone says you are so lazy
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE