I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars