Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”