Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn鈥檛 really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Don鈥檛 even THINK about 鈥渉oney鈥漣ng me if you鈥檝e shrunk the damn kids…
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that鈥檚 right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what鈥檇 he say
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 馃檨
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you鈥檙e still young and fit to climb in and out!
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I鈥檓 a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it鈥檚 me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child