[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one