[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am