Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist