To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no