Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit