I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel