Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
english majors be like furthermore
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
mariah carrie
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland