Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?