Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.