Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
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Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I never needed anything more in my life
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?