Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.