My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
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Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.