Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
what the
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
But is it really??
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.