Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
gm
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I know
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ