What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were