[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.