Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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idk what this dog had been going through but same
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.