My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Okay
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
water it, i dare you
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Found the job I’m suited for
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.