They got Raph!
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Dishonest mechanic?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.