Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.