*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
New tinder profile pic
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”