Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?