Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
What personal space?
My dog
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road