deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
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One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Well well well…
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Hard not to take this personally
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.