*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
(Jupiter –
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.