I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
🏙👨🏼
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
At least my masseuse has my back.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Need this in my life lol
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.