How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?