My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Lmao the reply
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.