“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.