Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?